STOP

Stop, Take a step back, Observe, Proceed mindfully

STOP is a four-step skill for the small window between feeling an urge and acting on it. When emotion runs high, the pull to do something — right now — can be enormous. STOP holds that window open long enough for you to choose your next move, instead of letting the emotion choose it for you.

It's short on purpose. You can run the whole thing in under a minute, anywhere, and nobody has to know you're doing it.

When to use it

You feel a sudden, strong urge to say or do something right now
Your finger is hovering over send
Someone just said something that lit a fuse in you
You can tell you're about to act first and think later

The steps

Stop

Freeze right where you are. Don't say the thing, send the message, or make the move. The emotion wants your hands and your voice immediately — for this one moment, don't give them to it.

Take a step back

Get some space from the situation, physically or in your mind. Step out of the room, put the phone face-down, take one slow breath. Even a little distance loosens the grip of the moment.

Observe

Notice what's happening — inside you and around you. What are you feeling? Which thoughts are loudest? What are the plain facts of the situation? Stick to noticing, not judging or explaining.

Proceed mindfully

Choose your next step on purpose, with your goals in mind. Ask yourself: which choice makes this situation better, and which makes it worse? Then act with your eyes open.

An example

It's 2 a.m. and Marcus is staring at his ex's name on his phone, thumb hovering over a long message about everything that went wrong. The urge to hit send feels like an itch he has to scratch. He stops — hand off the phone. He gets up and walks to the kitchen for a glass of water. Standing there, he notices what's underneath the urge: he's lonely, and tonight the loneliness is loud. He asks himself how he'll feel about the message in the morning. He deletes the draft and goes back to bed.

Related: TIPP, Pros & Cons