All skills

Pros & Cons

This isn't the usual two-column list. The DBT version of Pros & Cons looks at an urge from four sides: what you get and what you lose by acting on it, and what you get and what you lose by resisting it. The honest part is admitting that the urge has real pros — acting on it usually brings fast relief. Writing all four squares makes the whole picture visible, including the costs that arrive later.

The best time to fill it out is when you're calm, for an urge that visits you again and again. Then, when the urge shows up at full volume, you don't have to think it through from scratch — you just read what calm-you already worked out.

When to use it

  • An urge keeps coming back — to lash out, give up, text someone, quit something
  • You're calm right now and want to be ready for the next hard moment
  • The urge is here, and you need a reason to wait it out
  • Part of you wants one thing and another part wants the opposite

The steps

1

Pros of acting on the urge

Be honest about what the urge offers: relief, release, feeling heard, making the pain quiet down for a minute. If you skip this square, the list won't feel true — and you won't trust it when it counts.

2

Cons of acting on the urge

Now the costs: how you tend to feel afterward, what it does to the people around you, the cleanup, the way giving in feeds the next urge. Include the costs that arrive hours or days later, not just the immediate ones.

3

Pros of resisting the urge

What do you gain by not acting? Self-respect, a morning without regret, proof that the urge is survivable, progress toward the things you actually want. Write down what waiting it out makes possible.

4

Cons of resisting the urge

Resisting has real costs too — sitting with discomfort, the urge getting louder before it fades, missing out on the quick relief. Name these honestly, because you'll be facing them at full volume later.

An example

Every couple of weeks, after a bad shift, Leah gets a powerful urge to send her group chat a long, scorched-earth message and then leave it. One calm Sunday she draws four squares in her notes app and fills them in. Sending it would feel like finally being honest — pros of acting. But she'd spend days ashamed and patching things up — cons of acting. Holding back means keeping friendships she values — pros of resisting. It also means sitting alone with feelings that have nowhere to go for a while — cons of resisting. The next bad shift, she opens the note instead of the group chat, and reads it twice.

Related: STOP